| I love what I do for a living. Not only do I love being a | | | | THE DECISION TO BE THE CLYDESDALE. THAT |
| life coach for individuals with medical and physical | | | | made ALL the difference in the world between seeing |
| challenges but I love creating my own business. I love | | | | this through and doing what I had always done which |
| the challenges involved. My private practice has | | | | was dropping all focus on others and placing it back on |
| become like a piece of clay that I get to sculpt any | | | | me again...and giving up...and walking away from |
| which way I want. I get to create the type of events I | | | | whatever I was pursuing. A decision makes ALL the |
| wish to hold. I get to write the articles and pretty much | | | | difference in the world. However, sometimes we have |
| choose the topics I wish to write about. Yes it does | | | | to get to a certain place in our lives before we actually |
| get lonely at times. It most certainly does. However, | | | | recognize what a decision LOOKS and FEELS like |
| that's not because what I do for a living is a lonely | | | | before we can get there. Sometimes that a place |
| business. Its because right now I haven't learned to | | | | nobody else but ourselves can take us to. |
| shift out of my own inner loneliness. Once I move | | | | So, how then do we go about coping with our own |
| through that, nothing in my life will feel lonely anymore. | | | | challenges by being other focused. See, the difference |
| Its a work in progress =). One day at a time. One step | | | | between when I was on my knees a few months |
| at a time. One breath at a time. | | | | back in a very deep, dark place of despair and |
| I know all about mindfulness. Cognitively, that is...if that | | | | hopelessness where I simply wanted God to make the |
| statement alone even makes sense. However, at my | | | | decision FOR me that this journey was over, and |
| deepest level it is the thing I strive in my life to master | | | | standing on my feet with my "blinders" on is simply this. |
| before I die. My life has always been about living in the | | | | My ego (the horrible self talk from within that tells you |
| moment - yes....but my moments have been mostly | | | | all the reasons you aren't good enough to live on or |
| moments of fear. Living with Spina Bifida & Post | | | | with purpose, had run its course. I got tired of my ego. |
| Traumatic Stress Disorder have provided me with a | | | | It had done enough damage. So for me, the place at |
| gift I never expected to gain from all this...being grateful | | | | which my shift happened was when I realized that I |
| for the simple things. Like not being alone any longer | | | | had two choices. I could spend the rest of my life in |
| after spending time in the basement running from a | | | | this corner, in despair, in pain, or...I could find purpose in |
| changing sky of darkness where you fear an F5 | | | | all this - gifts, if you will. |
| Tornado is going to come out a calm sky of white | | | | Now, for everybody the journey looks and feels |
| clouds where only drizzle is expected. THAT is PTSD | | | | different. For me - I used prayer. White-knuckled |
| in all its glory. Not so glorious to say the least. | | | | prayer. "Please help - I can;t do this anymore"...."I can't |
| So, here is my question to you. I spent the morning in | | | | do this anymore"...Interesting how in my pain those last |
| the basement frozen in fright until the contractor | | | | few words became the ONLY words I could get out. |
| arrived to continue painting my office. He may never | | | | For the first time in my life there was silence in my |
| know that gift of relief he provided for me just by | | | | head (if you know me you know how rare THAT is! |
| showing up at my darkest moment. Again, there's the | | | | lol). Absolute silence. For the first time in my life I |
| gratitude. So, is it possible to shift gears from the focus | | | | recognized a clean slate. I recognized power in that |
| of fear and everything being about you and your | | | | moment of choice. Do what you have always done |
| safety and your challenges to placing the focus back | | | | (First part of the definition of "Insanity" by the way - lol) |
| on others to continue on with your day as if nothing | | | | OR DECIDE that from this point on I will never, ever |
| ever happened? Here are my personal thoughts on | | | | again listen to my ego (that's another article at another |
| that one. | | | | time in how to recognize the ego in more detail but |
| There was a time when my challenges use to take | | | | you get the idea I hope). So, if I was never, ever going |
| EVERYTHING out of me. I mean everything. As a | | | | to listen to my ego again then what am I left with? |
| matter of fact, I use to think that if people had any idea | | | | My spirit. Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhh - Much better =) |
| how much time I spent "down for the count" or "shut | | | | So, the first thing I did for the next 24 hours was listen |
| down" as I use to call it - for the entire day - days on | | | | to my spirit. I had knowing if you will, to just "be". So, I |
| end - they would be disgusted with me. That was ok | | | | did. I felt lifeless from all the crying that day but now I |
| actually believe it or not b/c nobody could have been | | | | would surrender and have complete and total |
| more disgusted with me than ME. It just wasn't | | | | faith......Everything will be OK. I didn't know how but this |
| possible. I thought the worst things of myself that | | | | time? I didn't have to know how. I just had to have |
| nothing anybody else thought of me would make any | | | | faith. The details of what came next are nothing short |
| difference because I had already covered all grounds | | | | of unbelievable but those details are ones that I am |
| FOR them. So, how then does one not only shift OUT | | | | saving for a little "project" I am working on. |
| of this and onto OTHERS but begin to find GIFTS in all | | | | From there it was clear. If I rode out the moments, in |
| that? I am here to tell you that in fact, it is possible. It | | | | the moment itself of fear and fright, knowing that it |
| truly is. However, the difference between wanting to | | | | would require me to be white knuckled for a |
| make the shift and actually making the shift? A | | | | temporary time period and then made the decision to |
| DECISION. A decision to get up, brush yourself off and | | | | let THAT moment go and be in the NEXT moment - |
| withstand whatever criticism you are given, and | | | | THEN and ONLY then - I could do this. I could get up, |
| become like the Clydesdale I mentioned earlier in the | | | | brush myself off and cope with my challenges by |
| week on Facebook & Twitter. Just in case you | | | | shifting to the needs of others when I wasn't |
| missed that one: | | | | paralyzed by fear. |
| "Visualize a Clydesdale with side blinders on. Regal, | | | | So, in essence, its my own form of mindfulness even |
| strong and focused, he sees only where he is going. | | | | though I'm not sitting there observing my fear - I'm in it. |
| He believes without a shadow of a doubt that he is | | | | So no - it doesn't fit the current definition of |
| going to get to where he has set out to go. He moves | | | | mindfulness nor does it serve well. But its all I've got for |
| forward with grace and confidence. He is not guided | | | | now and for me, if it means that the perspective of |
| by where he has been nor is he concerned by what | | | | 'ride out the moments of fear' and live in the moment |
| others think of where he is going...BE the Clydesdale | | | | of "other-focused" by using the gifts taken from the |
| and ANYTHING is possible." | | | | fear....well,......then.....I will trust that for now its where I am |
| When I made the decision to get back on my feet and | | | | meant to be and for the gifts in ALL my moments, I will |
| finally follow my spirit and serve the disabled | | | | shift now to gratitude. |
| community by providing coaching services, I MADE | | | | Thank you God. Thank you so much for it ALL. |